Put This Book Down

Hi. Thank you for looking at this and please bear with me. If you like it, great, lets have some fun. If you chose to read this through and move on, keep looking there might be something out there that you feel a connection with. Why am I writing ‘Put this Book down’’ I don't know yet. it does feel good and it is helping me develop as a man. Writing has shown me that I, who once thought was a vacuum of experience, has learnt much from life and have accepted that an inquisitive mind, whilst at times frustrating, can be a powerful examiner of yourself and your God given right to be part of this universe. Yes, you are part of my experience although I have not met you, the reader, at all.

You can call me up anytime, but I will not be much wiser to knowing who you are. I don’t really know my daughter even though we have spent much time together. We never truly know each other because there is a sacred part of us that must be for us and us alone. I have no inclination to write such words as ‘This is my gift to you and the world’. If I’d written that I would not be true. You see I don’t need to lie to you. It is up to me what I say, feel and do and it is up to you what you read and how you feel about it. You might get to know the REAL YOU from reading this, I wish for all the love and happiness that is within you and around you . One of the universe’s little jokes is you probably, on some level, know all of this already, All I can say is that this book is from my heart, so it is authentic. What you read into it is your choice. If you want a gift, check out your chimney at Xmas time. Thinking upon this, It isn’t a gift that I give you, but something that you chose to take for yourself.

You make your choices and you take your opportunities as they are everywhere.

‘Our entire life is one subjective experience’, in the words of the great Bill Hicks whilst commentating on life ‘We are only molecules attracted to other molecules, slowed down to form matter, our perception of our world is all an illusion. IS anything real?’ I think this illusion is real enough, the trip of life is one that seems all too real at times, however IF it is an illusion, can’t we let go of some of the fears and pain that we hold on to JUST to see what might happen? It might turn out different if we think of outcomes with less of a fear it will go wrong to a ‘lets enjoy doing this whatever the result’ A clinician can study a client, understand their personality traits at a behavioural level,. We all too easily can judge someone for their actions or ignore all signs of life outside our society norms, but when this all boils down,the only person who can know and love you is you. We all fit into and benefit from our social ties and the consequences.But ultimately, you are born with you and you die with you.

There are 2 voices that speak within us. We can communicate with either, we have and always have a choice. The first is a voice that is as gentle as it is strong, it is a part that is deep within us . It whispers words and feelings that say nothing but the truth of why we exist. It is the bit of us that is still the child, still full of opportunity and full of unconditional love. I smile just writing this sentence, effortless.
Example
What’s this little voice inside? How do I hear it? When do you act on it? It is said that the voice of wisdom whispers within us. I kept asking these questions, waiting for a shout from within. Depending upon faith or outlook it can be a few things. It can be that little bit of God in all of us, the energy of our ancestors or for those who like a bit of control and conscious rationality, emotional imbalance from dissociation. Wherever you are in life, you can either hear and feel it or you and your well formed ego block this gentle loving adviser out. So what is it and why did I do so well at ignoring it?

Well, there is a second, powerful and destructive voice, I had this voice alright, little bastard kept at me day and night. ‘ hey there, , he/she/theywon’t like you, they are so much better than you, whoa if you try everyone will point and laugh, you MUST fit in, everyone is having fun , you MUST!’. This voice lived in my head, sort of front and centre. This second voice had a direct link to my gut. Through listening to this I was judgmental, fearful, had a low self esteem and I attracted rejection, selfishness and frustration like a very powerful magnet. This voice had taken control of me and life.
There was a time when the second voice did everything to mask, shut out or totally ignore this part of me that is true, loving and totally with me from birth through my life. I spent time in a sort of stretched haze,one foot stuck in the past,. one foot frightened of the future. My life was a series of reactions based upon my ability to take everything very personally. I was a walking fear. If I was angry in the past, I still carried that anger in the present. I had no idea how to deal with life. The future was something that I dreaded and guess what, my life reflected it.

You see I could never listen to the loving part of me because I was in such a state of emotional chaos that I wouldn’t have heard it with a PA system that Motorhead would be proud of. To listen and feel this part inside I needed an inner calm and a way of distracting the second voice long enough to let it be heard. To paint a picture, go to a lake on a calm morning. See the lake, still, the reflection of your face, the trees, mountains, houses clear in the pool. Skim a small stone on its glass like surface. As the stone hits the water the ripples will in time expand across the lake, you will see them travel into the distance. I was in the North Sea in a Force 8 gale trying to throw the Eiffel Tower in to get the same effect. Sorry didn’t see a thing. AN added bonus is that skimming a pebble takes a lot less effort and energy than a Parisian tourist attraction.. It is hard at times to listen and feel as Mr ‘useless you are’ second voice wants SO much to be part of the party. HE wants me to judge the slower driver in front, feel unattractive, put crap into my body, do anything that will take me away from well………..me.


Tick,tock,tick,tock. Sweat cooling on a sleeping body. Deep,deep down something is stirring. The musk of the dead of night. Calm,so still, peace and yet unease. Silence and the breeze through the trees. Light is fading between the clouds and then in a moment, the moon lights the street. A man. A man waiting to die. Nothing physically wrong with him. Thing is he has just dreamt with such lucidity, in such clarity the experience of dieing. That moment when there are only a few short breaths left. This hit him hard, that he realised that one day he was going to die. His breath continuing to shorten, as panic rose in him.There was nothing he could do. It was the inevitability of it that shocked him.

‘ It is going to happen one day’. The very concept of dieing is something that we all say in conversation as a fact that we accept and then brush it aside with more important matters such as Big Brother or United’s signings for the new season. To feel, I mean really feel the reality of dieing threw him.

Lieing in his bed staring at the ceiling, the silence and cool scent of the night air created a state of limbo in him. He could think of little else.

‘ It is going to happen. I don’t want to be old, I don’t want to fight for my last breath regretting all the things I never did. The words I never said.

He turned over and gripped the pillows around him. Foetal at 40.

Smiling? At what?

The fear gripped him like a blind panic. Slowly he changed position in his bed lying in a horizontal position staring out of the open window at the night sky. Stars, millions of starts and finishes. Life created and evaporated on a continual basis for all time. in this suburban street in North London the night sky was lit with varying layers of brightness, the moon was lost but the heavens shone down. He felt insignificant and this calmed his heart and the panic in his head.

Falling back to sleep, the sweat on his body cooled him and he soon found a more comfortable position that eased him back into sleep.

What does he do with this knowledge?

Waking the next morning the fear of dieing had receded. He felt like he had had a bit of an emotional spring clean. The Sun was rising above the houses at the end of the street, the air was warming and filled with the scent of opening flowers and he felt alive. Alive to waste the day.

Someone wiser than I said.' If there is an afterlife, I have something to look forward to. If not, I will not be in a place to worry about it.'